I used to play in a band called Green Light Theory with Corey Rutchland. Corey always had an affinity for Relient K, so I couldn’t think of a better candidate to rank the band’s studio albums. Be my escape and read further:
8. Collapsible Lung (2013)
SW: Yo.
CR: Whattup, lost boy.
SW: Oh, you. You’re so much sweeter today than you were yesterday. I’m just breathing. You know how that is. How you doing?
CR: Can’t complain, Mr. Waldman.
SW: That’s rad, Mr. Rutchland… Onto relient K.
CR: Can’t complain, Mr. Waldman.
7. Relient K (2000)
SW: Good. Don’t complain. Everything will be alright.
CR: Alright alright alright.
SW: (starts laughing uncontrollably)
CR: In all sincerity, a lot of the tracks on this record would make for a great mixtape for my girlfriend.
SW: A debut mixtape?
CR: Yes. Can’t complain, Mr. Waldman.
SW: Ooo. Now Corey’s in charge of the dad jokes.
CR: Only when you’re around.
6. Air for Free (2016)
SW: Air is always around… And it’s free.
CR: For now.
SW: Please don’t give me any more heartache. This world is hard enough.
CR: Man, I’m sorry for bummin’ you out.
SW: Ok.
CR: I want another new Relient K album.
SW: K.
CR: Bro, you’re normally on the ball. You sleepin’ or somethin’?
SW: No.
CR: K.
5. The Anatomy of the Tongue in Cheek (2001)
SW: K is for kick-off!
CR: Solid opener. What have you been doing lately?
SW: Oh you know. Just pressing on.
CR: Scott, those words are not enough. I need more.
SW: No.
CR: No?
SW: What we have here is a failure to excommunicate.
CR: K.
SW: This album has amazing song titles.
CR: All great hits for the Sadie Hawkins Dance playlist.
SW: (Relient) K.
4. Two Lefts Don’t Make a Right… but Three Do (2003)
CR: “Mood Rings” is my favorite song from this album.
3. Forget and Not Slow Down (2009)
SW: This is not the end of this article.
CR: If it was, I’d need some therapy after.
SW: Everyone needs therapy. Fuck you, Corey.
CR: K.
SW: On a serious note, I’m glad that this album tackled some very important issues.
CR: While sometimes sounding like Death Cab For Cutie if you believe me (if you want it).
SW: I love that! I love that!
CR: I think that this is the end for this album.
SW: So what you’re saying is (wait for it, wait for it), should we forget and not slow down?
CR: Yes.
2. Five and Seven Years Ago (2007)
SW: Full disclosure: This is my favorite Relient K album but no one agrees with me.
CR: (in worst Owen Wilson voice) WOW. Wow. Just wow. Wow. Wow. You just came right out and said it. Wow. Wow. Just wow. (pauses) But I agree.
SW: Yup
CR: They must’ve done something right.
SW: Indeed. But I get why we both ranked the next as number one.
CR: Counselor, I plead the fifth.
SW: K.
CR: I need you.
SW: Good thing I’m taking you with me.
1. Mmhmm (2004)
CR: Mmhmm.
SW: Glad we let it all out.
Thank you for reading. Enjoy the band’s new live album which came out four days ago.
