We’re both from Long Island. Sorry in advance.
10. Nine Days
SW: Nine Days comes in a number ten.
DA: Scott Waldman: Confusing people since 1981.
SW: This is a story of a boy.
SW: “The Madding Crowd” is a completely underrated record from earlier this century.
DA: Absolutely crazy.
SW: I see what you did there.
DA: Sometimes I’m funny.
SW: Your jokes rock this town.
DA: It takes a stand up bass to rock this town.
SW: It takes a stony brook to rock this town.
DA: The drummer’s name rocks this town.
SW: SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!
DA: Brian Setzer’s mid-90s comeback rocked my town.
SW: The Five Towns do the Stray Cat Strut.
DA: I’ve got a pretty good strut, but I’m allergic to cats.
SW: Nothing to be allergic of in the town of Hempstead! Don’t twist it, sister. Lido Beach has it going on too.
DA: Is that true?
SW: Yes. It wants to (pauses) ROCK!
SW: Lil Peep is from the 11561. Gone too soon. Very very awful.
DA: Total legend for me.
SW: Most people didn’t realize his impact until after he was gone.
DA: It’s a sad truth that happens all too often.
SW: Lil Peep gets multiple articles written about him on the daily, and I wish that a lot of them focused more on his music than drugs or tattoos.
DA: Agreed. Moving forward, let’s focus on his artistic vision and revival of an entire movement.
DA: Could you put your light on, please.
DA: Thank you.
SW: No problem. As a new father, “Cat’s In The Cradle” carries more weight now than ever before.
DA: Beautiful kid Max.
SW: I see what you did there. Max will be reading this tomorrow because he is superbaby.
DA: Wanna know what’s super? “Cat’s In The Cradle” was inspired by Kurt Vonnegut’s science fiction novel “Cat’s Cradle”. Know who was also inspired by Cat’s Cradle?
SW: WHO? WHO?
DA: Ice Nine Kills, ice-nine was the substance that killed everyone in the book.
SW: It worked. Hope they found a better place to be.
DA: Yeah, not Long Island. Jk, love that place.
SW: This band was majorly inspirational.
DA: I see what you did there. You and Jeff Ross should go head to head on puns.
SW: Ross Ross’ song.
DA: Scream it like you mean it.
SW: Don’t tell me what to do.
DA: We both know who is the manager here.
SW: Your words are hurting and shoving me, Dylan.
DA: I’m experiencing a headache now and cosmopolitan blood loss.
SW: I’m sorry. My conscience weighs a ton.
DA: Sounds heavy. And now we’re at the cool portion of the list.
SW: So cool. Epic and cool.
DA: This dude gets over to the wild side.
SW: This dude used to be in the Velvet Underground AND made an album with Metallica.
DA: AND he’s from Amagansett.
SW: What the fuck is an Amagansett?
DA: Vicious. It’s nowhere near Coney Island, baby.
SW: If I never heard from you again, it’d be a perfect day.
DA: (fist bumps him out of respect and feverishly nods his head) That’s what I call a mic drop.
SW: I’m feeling a satellite of love between us.
DA: FLAVA FLAV!
SW: FLAVA FLAV!
DA: Stop shouting. Mariah is the ultimate diva.
SW: Seriously. Easily a top ten vocalist in any genre.
DA: All I want for Chanukah is you.
SW: We belong together.
DA: I know what you want.
DA: I’m obsessed with Mariah’s FIVE OCTAVE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORD WINNING vocal range.
SW: (whispers) Obsessed.
DA: You’re my hero, Wald-man.
SW: Girl, thanks. Billy Joel may win the New York award in addition to his Long Island award.
DA: Billy Joel is my dad’s favorite artist. In fact, they share the name name.
SW: Well said, son of Bill. Most dads heart Billy Joel. I know that I do. You’re no longer an angry young man.
DA: Insert “Piano Man” joke here.
SW: No. Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray.
DA: Cardi B, Louie Reed, Public Enemy.
SW: Long Island is still rock and roll to me.
DA: You live in LA now and I live in Nashville now, but we’re always sons of Long Island.
SW: Sons of Abraham!