Sam Tall and I just ate extremely healthy and hearty (pun intended) breakfasts at C&M Cafe. We’re kidding. It was grossly unhealthy, but SO fucking good. Arguably epic. Yup. I love Sam (and the fact that he had a fucking pastry for breakfast).
Here are our top eleven 100% subjective anthem songs of all time. You can disagree, but you’re wrong. Sorrynotsorry:
Sisqó – “Thong Song” (1999)
SW: Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
ST: This is a party anthem. Or a club anthem. But either way, if you’re not dancing, you’re doing it wrong.
SW: I’m jew-ing it wrong.
ST: (ignores his friend) If you ARE dancing, then we can be friends.
SW: You’ve got a friend in me.
ST: I just feel like when it comes to guilty pleasures, there’s nothing I find more guilt inducing than a vulgar and crass dance track.
SW: Let me see that thong.
Good Charlotte – “The Anthem” (2002)
SW: This is THE anthem.
ST: Throw all your hands up.
SW: GC gets WAY too much hate, and fuck you for contributing.
ST: I was ten when this song came out.
SW: I was 2002.
ST: What is it even about?
SW: Who is it even about? Where? How? Why? When?
SW: IT DIDN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME WAS!
ST: True. This song ROCKed.
SW: The Madden Brothers are actual fratellis AND…
The Fratellis – “Chelsea Dagger” (2006)
ST: I don’t remember the first time that I heard “Chelsea Dagger,” but I remember the LAST time: It was 2 in the morning, and it’s the only thing that I remember from that night.
SW: A day to remember.
ST: Anthems are supposed to be things that you shout from the top of your lungs and this song DEFINITELY checks that box.
SW: I’ll check your box.
ST: Box well checked.
The Village People – “YMCA” (1978)
SW: All kidding aside, this is the first true anthem to be mentioned here. The Village People spoke for a voice that had none.
ST: I’m sure you will find many ways to have a good time…. with this song.
SW: Mic drop.
ST: I learned to swim at the YMCA in Montclair, New Jersey. I always thought that the song was about THAT YMCA.
SW: I hate to break it to jew.
ST: It wasn’t. The Village People could’ve written an anthem about the pizza spot next to the Montclair YMCA.
Whitesnake – “Here I Go Again ’87” (1987)
ST: First things first: I didn’t even know until just now that this isn’t Whitesnake’s original version, but this is THE canonical version.
SW: Here you go again.
ST: Talk about songs one needs to scream at the top of one’s lungs!
SW: Glad we got that out of our system. ‘80s power ballads make me feel better about the planet.
ST: I couldn’t agree more.
Diana Ross – “I’m Coming Out” (1980)
SW: This song CAME OUT a year before I CAME OUT (of my mommy).
ST: I don’t know why I thought that this song was much older, or that you were much younger.
SW: Thank you?
ST: When I hear “I’m Coming Out” in my mind, I think of it as a disco song. But it’s not, is it?
SW: Genres are dumb. It’s just a fucking monster ANTHEM.
ST: Best. Genre. Ever.
Muse – “Uprising” (2009)
SW: Ten. Years. Strong.
ST: Four Year Strong?
SW: FUCK YES. Anyway, I’ve seen Muse perform this song live four times, and the energy in the room (or outside, depending on the show’s location) is unrivaled.
ST: Muse always looks like it is drumming up a rebellion.
SW: (in a Revolutionary War British accent): LIGHT INFANTRY!
ST: What the fuck are you talking about?
SW: I don’t know. (pauses) FUCKING MUSE, BRO! (pauses) MUSE!
Aretha Franklin – “Respect” (1967)
SW: Respect. This song could’ve easily been our number one.
ST: Respect. As far as covers go, this may be the most original.
SW: RIPspect. Aretha is the original diva.
ST: Respect. Everybody now is working in the mold of Aretha, and that’s how it should be.
SW: Respect. Adele owes Aretha a hug.
ST: R-e-s-p-e-c-t. The 60s mean a lot to me.
SW: Find out what it means to me. On a WTF note, I can’t believe that this song just turned fifty-two this year. It. Still. Slaps.
Jimi Hendrix – “Star Spangled Banner – Live At The Woodstock Music & Art Fair, August 18, 1969” (1969)
SW: This song’s title is quite a mouthful for an instrumental.
ST: Funny how one of the most definitive versions of THE National Anthem is not sung.
SW: Hendrix communicated SO much with NO words. This rendition may remain the number one anthem anthem of all time.
ST: Subjectively. Objectively.
SW: 100% subjectively. 0% objectively.
(they high five each other)
Gloria Gaynor – “I Will Survive” (1978)
ST: Before we started dissecting this anthem, I challenged you to name the release year.
SW: And I guessed.
ST: And you were right. You haven’t been wrong today.
SW: (blushes) Coming from the smartest person in music, that means a lot.
ST: (blushes) Now this is a teen romance novel.
SW: Jew had me at hello.
ST: My former guitar teacher (Tim Quick) toured with Gloria, and I’ve never seen more cruise ship disco Facebook pics.
SW: It’s free and always will be.
Queen – “We Will Rock You” (1977)
ST: We will…
SW: Rock you.
ST: What else is there to say?
What else is there to say? Queen is the GOAT. Here is a playlist featuring each song mentioned:
Thank you, Sam. Thank you, dear reader.