Words From A Waldman: Writer Cassie Whitt Helps Rank Alkaline Trio’s Discography

Scott Waldman new 2019

You had time to waste and I’m not sorry. Neither is badass writer Cassie Whitt. Cassie and I took our collective love for Alkaline Trio from infirmary to here, and ranked the band’s discography. It’s a colorful romp:

  1. This Addiction (2010)

SW: This addition. 

CW: Fine!

SW: Great song. Stop yelling at me. 

CW: I’m sorry, Scott. I never meant to hurt you. 

SW: I’m addicted to the pain. Cassie, dine, dine my darling. This process is eating me alive. 

CW: Kick rocks, Scott.  

SW: Sorry, Draculina. 

CW Savage! Not all undead people are Dracula, Scott. Wise up.

8. Agony & Irony (2008) 

SW: It’s savage that so many fans turned their backs on alk3 after this major label record. 

CW: Calling all skeletons: Come back!

SW: (sings) Here it is again!

CW: I thought we were friends. (pauses) Ugh, help me. 

SW: Somebody save me. 

CW: Save me from myself.

7. My Shame Is True (2013)  

SW: Epitaph Records!

CW: Brett Gurewitz!

SW: Bad Religion!

CW: Bad Religion!!

SW: Why you gotta one- up me?

CW: (pauses) Only love, Scott. 

SW: Epitaph Records!

CW: Scott, you’re shameless. It’s true.

  1. Is This Thing Cursed? (2018)

SW: Is this thing cursed?

CW: [Shakes head]

5. Goddamnit (1998)

SW: Goddamnit!

CW: The only true spelling of “goddamnit!” That’s not up for debate. 

SW: My shame is true. 

CW: Ohgoddamnit!

SW: Early ‘Ttrio. Fans rejoice. Let’s see what Remains

CW: Scott, your puns are starting to make me “Cringe”.

4. Maybe I’ll Catch Fire (2000)

SW: Maybe I’ll catch fire…

CW: Madam Me’s predicting that you’re bluffing. Unfortunately. 

SW: You’ve got so far to go, Cassie. 

CW: [Sigh and cries]  Fuck you, Aurora. Can we at least talk about how they’ve probably played “Radio” thousands of times and it still slaps! 

SW: It would really slap if you passed out plugged in and ready to fall in the bathtub. That would slap hard,
Millennial. 

CW: I’ll take you to the lake. Wrapped in a tarp.  [Murderous Stare.]

SW: Keep ‘em Coming, Cassie

3. Good Mourning (2003)

CW: Right. The title of this is already a pun, so I’m curious how many more dad jokes we should be expecting.

SW: Cassie, my puns must make you feel blue in the face.

CW: You could even say… “we’ve had enough.” 

SW: WE’VE HAD ENOUGH! [Pause.] I heard 100 Stories about the fact that Keith Morris from Black Flag and Circle Jerks does some backing vocals on this record. [Pauses again.] “This Could be love.” 

CW: I didn’t think it was possible, but you did it. 

SW: Fatally Yours, 

Scott Louis Waldman

  1. From Here To Infirmary (2001)

CW: My time spent with you is going by like trucks and trains. Very, very slow trucks and trains.

SW: I know that you feel like another innocent girl, but you’re really just a stupid kid, MILLENNIAL [Pauses.] You’re Dead! 

CW: Maybe Mr. Chainsaw should come pay you a visit… 

SW: My private eye dissuaded him. In all seriousness, this is the first Alkaline Trio record I ever purchased and got into. 

  1. Crimson (2005) 

SW: Cassie, we’ve no more time to waste. This is Alkaline Trio’s best record, and I will gladly say that on my deathbed. 

CW: Did you know the line “hide the cutlery” in “Time To Waste” is about Matt Skiba hiding his sharps for fear he would kill his parents while sleepwalking? 

SW: [insert quip here] 

CW: Yeah! A lot of Alkaline Trio songs are about murderer and substance abuse. I can relate. 

SW: I’m sorry to hear that.

CW: Oh, no. Not the substance abuse. The murder. [Still staring.

SW: Ookaay… That’s about all the Time I have to Waste for the day . Bye! [Runs.]

We ended how we started. How poetic. How trio. How Whitt. Enjoy this playlist or we’ll catch fire.