You had time to waste and I’m not sorry. Neither is badass writer Cassie Whitt. Cassie and I took our collective love for Alkaline Trio from infirmary to here, and ranked the band’s discography. It’s a colorful romp:
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This Addiction (2010)
SW: This addition.
CW: Fine!
SW: Great song. Stop yelling at me.
CW: I’m sorry, Scott. I never meant to hurt you.
SW: I’m addicted to the pain. Cassie, dine, dine my darling. This process is eating me alive.
CW: Kick rocks, Scott.
SW: Sorry, Draculina.
CW Savage! Not all undead people are Dracula, Scott. Wise up.
8. Agony & Irony (2008)
SW: It’s savage that so many fans turned their backs on alk3 after this major label record.
CW: Calling all skeletons: Come back!
SW: (sings) Here it is again!
CW: I thought we were friends. (pauses) Ugh, help me.
SW: Somebody save me.
CW: Save me from myself.
7. My Shame Is True (2013)
SW: Epitaph Records!
CW: Brett Gurewitz!
SW: Bad Religion!
CW: Bad Religion!!
SW: Why you gotta one- up me?
CW: (pauses) Only love, Scott.
SW: Epitaph Records!
CW: Scott, you’re shameless. It’s true.
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Is This Thing Cursed? (2018)
SW: Is this thing cursed?
CW: [Shakes head]
5. Goddamnit (1998)
SW: Goddamnit!
CW: The only true spelling of “goddamnit!” That’s not up for debate.
SW: My shame is true.
CW: Ohgoddamnit!
SW: Early ‘Ttrio. Fans rejoice. Let’s see what Remains.
CW: Scott, your puns are starting to make me “Cringe”.
4. Maybe I’ll Catch Fire (2000)
SW: Maybe I’ll catch fire…
CW: Madam Me’s predicting that you’re bluffing. Unfortunately.
SW: You’ve got so far to go, Cassie.
CW: [Sigh and cries] Fuck you, Aurora. Can we at least talk about how they’ve probably played “Radio” thousands of times and it still slaps!
SW: It would really slap if you passed out plugged in and ready to fall in the bathtub. That would slap hard,
Millennial.
CW: I’ll take you to the lake. Wrapped in a tarp. [Murderous Stare.]
SW: Keep ‘em Coming, Cassie
3. Good Mourning (2003)
CW: Right. The title of this is already a pun, so I’m curious how many more dad jokes we should be expecting.
SW: Cassie, my puns must make you feel blue in the face.
CW: You could even say… “we’ve had enough.”
SW: WE’VE HAD ENOUGH! [Pause.] I heard 100 Stories about the fact that Keith Morris from Black Flag and Circle Jerks does some backing vocals on this record. [Pauses again.] “This Could be love.”
CW: I didn’t think it was possible, but you did it.
SW: Fatally Yours,
Scott Louis Waldman
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From Here To Infirmary (2001)
CW: My time spent with you is going by like trucks and trains. Very, very slow trucks and trains.
SW: I know that you feel like another innocent girl, but you’re really just a stupid kid, MILLENNIAL [Pauses.] You’re Dead!
CW: Maybe Mr. Chainsaw should come pay you a visit…
SW: My private eye dissuaded him. In all seriousness, this is the first Alkaline Trio record I ever purchased and got into.
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Crimson (2005)
SW: Cassie, we’ve no more time to waste. This is Alkaline Trio’s best record, and I will gladly say that on my deathbed.
CW: Did you know the line “hide the cutlery” in “Time To Waste” is about Matt Skiba hiding his sharps for fear he would kill his parents while sleepwalking?
SW: [insert quip here]
CW: Yeah! A lot of Alkaline Trio songs are about murderer and substance abuse. I can relate.
SW: I’m sorry to hear that.
CW: Oh, no. Not the substance abuse. The murder. [Still staring.]
SW: Ookaay… That’s about all the Time I have to Waste for the day . Bye! [Runs.]
We ended how we started. How poetic. How trio. How Whitt. Enjoy this playlist or we’ll catch fire.
